Leaked Essay: Why I Want to Coach the Cleveland Browns

To Whom It May Concern,

I want to be the next head coach of the Cleveland Browns because I believe I am uniquely qualified to survive, and possibly thrive, inside an organization that has spent decades courageously fighting the idea of stability.

Many candidates will approach you talking about culture, leadership, accountability, and long-term vision. I come prepared with something far more valuable, realistic expectations.

I know what this job is. I know where I am. And I know that at some point during my tenure, I will be required to answer questions that begin with, “Coach, how surprised were you by,” followed by something that should surprise absolutely no one anymore.

Let me be clear, I do not believe the Cleveland Browns are cursed. Curses imply mystery. What the Browns have accomplished is far more impressive. This organization has perfected the art of self-inflicted chaos, consistently finding ways to get in its own way, even when things appear to be going well. That is precisely why I want this job.

I grew up understanding that Browns football is not merely a sport, it is an emotional endurance test. It is convincing yourself every August that this year will be different, only to quietly accept reality sometime around Week 6. That experience builds character, or at the very least, emotional calluses. I have both.

I am prepared to coach through quarterback controversies that were avoidable, roster decisions that will be debated on local radio for the next decade, and press conferences where I must confidently say, “We believe in the process,” while internally questioning what that process actually is.

I understand that success here is fragile, fleeting, and often immediately followed by an unrelated disaster. But I also understand something far more important. This fan base still shows up.

Despite everything, Cleveland fans care. They watch. They argue. They hope. They talk themselves into ten wins every summer. That level of loyalty deserves honesty, competence, and at minimum, a head coach who understands the emotional contract fans sign every Sunday.

If hired, I promise the following. I will not refer to obvious problems as learning opportunities. I will not describe clearly bad situations as “close.” I will not lose the locker room, because the locker room and I will already be bonded by shared disappointment and mutual understanding. I will bring discipline, clarity, and a bold new philosophy to Berea, do less dumb stuff. That is the entire system.

We do not need to outsmart the league. We simply need to stop sabotaging ourselves in nationally televised ways. I know this job will be difficult. I know it may end abruptly. I know there is a strong chance I will be fired after a season in which multiple things went completely off the rails that had nothing to do with coaching football. And yet, I still want it. Because if someone is going to navigate this dysfunction, it should be someone who sees it clearly, can laugh at it when appropriate, and refuses to let it define the entire operation.

Also, I already own an irresponsible amount of Browns gear, which suggests I am more than prepared to make questionable life decisions. Thank you for your time, your consideration, and for reading this essay, because asking head coaching candidates to write essays is one of the most Cleveland Browns things imaginable.

Respectfully,

A Man Who Knows What He Is Signing Up For